Everyone is scared sometimes.
I’m scared a lot of the time. More often than I admit, and more often than I’d like. I’m scared of the dark, and of supernatural beings. I’m scared of deep water, and of people I love dying or getting hurt. I’m scared of the day when everyone sees me the way I see myself – worthless, broken, useless. I’m scared of things that don’t even have labels; they’re just fears deep down that I can’t place, but are there no matter what.
I can’t sleep without melatonin, valerian, and other vitamins at night, because the fear is so bad, I can’t even shut my eyes. When I can’t take those things to help me sleep, I have to watch videos or write on my laptop until I pass out on top of the keyboard.
I don’t know where those fears came from. But there are some that do have roots.
I found out yesterday that I cannot turn my back to anyone without being terrified. I spent the afternoon and evening with one of my best friends yesterday. I couldn’t sit with my back to the wall in the coffeeshop, which put me on edge. I would undoubtedly have been more afraid if I had been alone.
Later on, we went to eat. I tried to sit in a chair that had its back to the kitchen, where the guys were working. I could not bring myself to and had to switch seats so I could sit with my back to the wall.
On a different day, I went to the post office and actually had to edge alongside the countertop because if I turned my back to the people behind me in line, I started to panic.
All that to say – I do have fears that are rooted in past experiences. In this case, I was stalked by a guy who made death threats when I tried to block him from contacting me. And the last time he came to my house after I explicitly told him not to, he refused to stop trying to get behind me. He would follow me around when I told him to stay, I’d turn around, and he’d be standing right there behind me, too close for comfort. He would try to inch around when we were sitting on the ground so that he was seated behind me. He invaded my personal space.
And now I have to constantly look over my shoulder if I’m not standing or sitting with my back to the wall. If someone else, especially a man that I don’t know, tries to stand behind me, I start to shake.
And all that to say… it’s okay to be scared.
Fear is natural. Everyone gets scared. Sometimes the root of the fear makes it unnatural – trauma, for instance. But it’s still okay to be scared.
It’s not pleasant, and it’s not fun. But it’s okay. You’re not a bad person or a person who is worth any less because you get scared.
I could repeat all the old sayings – ‘Fear makes you feel alive’. ‘Fear is what keeps you safe, because if you were never scared, you’d end up doing something and hurting yourself’. ‘There is nothing to fear but fear itself’.
The thing is, the first two phrases, while holding seeds of truth, are overused. And the last one is mostly untrue.
Fear is normal. And I know how hard it is – I know how it is to wish fear could just be eradicated along with all of the negative emotions.
I understand, I really do. I still often wish there was no such thing as fear.
But there is. And you have to remember that being scared is okay. It doesn’t make you any less of a person or any less deserving of a good life full of love, respect, acceptance, and kindness.
It’s okay to hurt. And it’s okay to be scared. I’m no less a person because of my fear and my pain.
It’s okay; it really is. I promise.
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Author’s note: I wrote this in about forty minutes and didn’t edit it. It was something I wanted to say, and I said it exactly as it came to mind. Just to let anybody reading this know.
Tiger's Eyes 